Every time we move I have to reorient the family again. It can be a challenging process, but as I look back, we have always bloomed where we are planted eventually.
I have to keep telling myself that lately because I am really struggling with some aspects of getting settled here.
A year ago, my kids were absolutely thriving. We were in a place where they had just exactly what they needed to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Many of the opportunities they had were answers to prayer, and at least one I can think of was something that I had received revelation that it needed to happen years before but that I had not had a clue how it possibly could until then. Everything just made so much sense. We were in a place where I just had this vision of the future and how the kids were going to have what they needed through every stage of their development. And it was a community where I felt so at home. I never wanted to leave. Part of that was because leaving Oklahoma was so traumatic that it was so healing to be given these great gifts.
It was exceedingly traumatic to have all that taken away from me so suddenly, and I am not over it yet. I guess that's understandable.
Now we are here in Kansas, and it is my nature to find the good where we are, especially every good opportunity for my children. As soon as I get somewhere new, I always start researching everything that we could do or be involved in, and then I pray that the Spirit will guide me to those activities and situations that will be best for my children. And He does.
But that's what I am having a hard time with right now. So far, I have been getting a "no" from the Spirit about everything I look into for the kids. I get all interested and/or excited about something and then I just get that feeling of "no."
What's hard about this for me right now is that my kids are not really thriving. Their developmental needs are not all being met as well as I would like. I look at those needs, I pray about them, I go look at possibilities, and then I just don't have a good feeling about them, so we continue in limbo. Other than Scouts and Activity Days at church, they aren't involved in anything in the community. Some of them are not getting enough athletic activity. And we do a lot of stuff at home with homeschool that meets some of their needs, but there are several gaping holes and every time I try to fill them it just doesn't feel right. Gymnastics? No. Dance? No. Football? No. Swim team? No. Homeschool co-op? No. Several different options for public schooling? No. Private school? No.
Some things really just don't make sense to me right now. Why did we invest so much in certain things in the past that we can't continue with and reap the rewards from? How come something the Spirit told me was necessary for one child, that we were finally able to provide for her in our last home, is not an option here? Why did something that seemed at first like an amazing, incredible answer to prayer end up feeling like a No when it came time to fill out the paperwork?
But see, these "No"s tell me something, something that I have always known but that I keep needing to be told over and over again: these are not my children. They are God's. He has a plan for them and He sees the end from the beginning. The fact that He cares enough to tell me "no" means that He is steering me toward "yes." Even though I thought I had it all figured out before we moved and now it doesn't make sense, it makes sense to Him. I know that. I trust Him. I don't know how I could possibly tackle this parenthood thing without Him on my side: my children's eternal Father, their omnipotent Creator. The One with every resource at His disposal and a perfect love for my children, and for me as well.
So I think far too much, I overanalyze everything, but really I should be so grateful for the guidance and direction I am receiving that is just not making sense to me right now. It will make sense in time. It always does. And what a beautiful thing is a "no" from God because it means He cares and has a plan in mind. And sometimes we forget just how brilliant God's plans are. It will be mindblowingly stunning when we finally see the whole pattern of our lives: more poignant, profound, and triumphant than the greatest novel ever written and more intricate, exquisite, and breathtaking than the most beautiful work of art.
There are two things that I do feel really good about right now that help me a lot when I am struggling with feeling like my life has gone wrong.
The first is the Badger's job. The opportunities he has at work right now are exactly what he needs, and the stability and long-term growth potential are exactly what our family needs. A couple of times I have been at work with him talking about his job and I have had the Spirit whisper to me that the people he is meeting (who are from all over the world) and the experiences he is having are going to be significant down the road in ways we can't even imagine. In other words, this job is just right.
The second is our house. Getting this house was a miracle and the direct answer to prayer. And let me tell you what: I LOVE this house. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love it and how comfortable I feel in every room of it. So many things about it make me so happy, starting with the beautiful neighborhood it is perched in and ending with the little details that are just what I need, such as a deep kitchen sink and closets in just the right places. I promise that in time I will show you more pictures of my house.
Slight tangent: some people have asked me why we didn't try to get another country acreage. Have we given up on our homesteading dreams? We loved homesteading, but when we left Oklahoma we lost all of our farm equipment and paraphernalia that we worked so hard to acquire. Then by the time we got here we were so far behind in terms of all the furniture and money and everything that we lost that we figured it was going to be hard enough to gain back that ground, let alone try to refurnish a farm. Maybe someday we can get back into that. There are aspects of it we miss very much. But for now we are very content in a suburban neighborhood with just a house and a yard to take care of.
Anyway, I am rambling. But writing this has been so helpful to me. It has helped me put things back into perspective. Some things have been painfully puzzling to me right now, but things will come back together again for us here in time, just like they always have before. And it will be wonderful.