The first few days with the twins were not easy. Their first few nights I got little to no sleep, and I am not someone who deals with sleep deprivation well. (In fact, just the thought of sleep deprivation makes me panic, and I am rarely prone to panic.) Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights the girls took turns fussing all night long, in between having difficulty feeding. Just when I would get one settled and start to doze, the other one would stir and a shot of adrenaline would go through me to prepare me to be up for probably at least another hour trying to get a proper meal into my little one. All my experienced mom tricks for getting some sleep with a newborn didn't work. I felt like a first-time mom again.
During those long nights, however, I had some help.
I have found that the veil that separates heaven and earth is very thin when a new baby comes. Angels seem very close, and sometimes sweet messages are received in your heart that could only have come from heaven.
As I sat up hour after hour with my fussy babies, I would start to have thoughts of frustration or despair or other negative emotions. But then would come other thoughts into my mind. Peaceful, encouraging thoughts. "It's okay. You're okay right now. I know you thought you'd for sure be asleep by 4 am and now you're not, but you are okay and you can handle this one step at a time. You're doing fine. Just look at those sweet, beautiful babies and enjoy them. Don't worry. It won't always be this hard."
It was really like I had a personal coach sitting next to me talking me through the whole ordeal. Those thoughts were definitely not coming from me. I am so grateful for whatever heavenly being was talking me through those long nights. I am sure the help was a result of many prayers on my behalf. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me. I believe in prayer.
Still, things were getting worse and not better. It was a downward spiral. Here I was trying to establish a good milk supply and good feeding patterns. The more I didn't sleep the harder that was. The harder that was, the less I slept.
Sunday was the low point. I had a plan worked out so I could take a long nap that morning with the babies out of the room. Everything worked out, but I could not sleep. There was so much adrenaline in me I felt like I was on fire. So now I couldn't even sleep when I had a rare, precious chance. I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was going to crash and burn.
Often, when I pray for the help of angels, someone close to me in this mortal world feels inspired to step in and help. Such was the case on Sunday. My sister in law, Aunt Tofu, heard of my plight and volunteered to drive down and spend all night with me. I told her she would be up all night and she came anyway.
It ended up being the pivotal thing for me and the babies. When she arrived late in the evening we had a long talk and she helped me see how tense and worried I was and how it wasn't helping the babies with their feeding problems. So I started working on relaxing, which helped immensely. Meanwhile Aunt Tofu walked the floor all night long with either one or two fussy infants so I could try to sleep when I didn't have to be feeding. It took the whole night for the adrenaline to gradually leave my body but somewhere near morning we all slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up Monday morning I felt hope.
Along the way, there were many more bits of help and inspiration from other seen and unseen angels. When I hit that wall on Sunday and my prayers were a desperate, sobbing "what can I do?" answers came bit by bit. Conversations with and encouragement from family members such as Aunt Meadow gave me ideas and insight. As I have implemented these ideas things have gradually gotten better and better.
Now it's Friday night and I would say things are going well. I still am not getting a lot of sleep but I am getting some. The girls are eating better and they don't fuss much at night. I am enjoying them so much. And I am healing and recovering bit by bit, hopeful that soon I can start pulling a little more of the load around here.
I am so grateful for the angel coaching I have had to help me through those first rough days.