Friday, November 21, 2014

A Little Bit of Raw Footage

People tell me I look great.   Big, yes, but not as big as I should with twins at 36 1/2 weeks.   They say I have a glow about me, some sort of maternal aura.

I really don't know if they are just trying to be nice, but if they are sincere I will take it.  I am grateful I look good. 

I hate to say this, but I feel awful.  Every day is a struggle.   Just having a big awkward watermelon tummy and the accompanying aches and pains actually sounds manageable to me right now.   Throw on nausea, exhaustion, and the inability to stand up for very long much of the time, sit up for more than an hour, and walk any distance and you have my current condition.  I have never been through anything this physically debilitating before. 

I was reading my old pregnancy journal.   At the end of my last pregnancy I was pretty uncomfortable.   Baby was large, I was tired, and I did have some nausea.  I said "I can only be on my feet for half the day." 

Oh, to be able to be on my feet for half a day!  That would be wonderful!   Lately it's a good day if I am able to be on my feet for an hour cumulatively.   And it seems like I shut down a little more each day.  Things that were hard but possible when we first moved here, like running a bunch of errands, are now beyond me.  I can't even make mac and cheese for the kids anymore (thank goodness Fish has become the mac and cheese master!) 

I feel like I am in this fog and every day things disappear a little more, or maybe I disappear a little more.   Like one of those characters in a fantasy story who is gradually fading into nothing until the hero can retrieve the magic object that will revive her. 

Everyone keeps telling me I am almost there.   Yes, but every hour between now and then is hard-- not just for me but for everyone in this household.  (I am keenly aware of the burden placed on others because of my limitations and I don't like it.)  And there is a whole lot of unknown between now and when I am finally holding those babies.  That is always hard for me to process.  It's hard for me not to obsess over when I will go into labor and how long the labor will last and how difficult it will be, but this time with twins it is a lot more complicated, with a bunch of extra factors to consider, and that just makes my brain feel extra scrambled.   And usually at this point I am going on long walks to help me get ready, but this time I am not able to, and that worries me. 

The babies are doing well.  They are now monitored twice a week (non-stress tests) and they always pass with flying colors.  They are growing; in fact, they are large for their gestational age, which means I probably have fourteen or so pounds of baby in me at this point.   The last big ultrasound I had the tech pointed out that Baby A clearly had a lot of hair, while Baby B did not.  I didn't know you could tell that on ultrasound... pretty cool.  They also have very different body proportions,  so it's pretty clear that they are fraternal,  which is what I have been assuming all along. 

My blood pressure has been a concern again, which is part of why they are watching me so close.  I am officially diagnosed with gestational hypertension but I do not have preeclampsia at this point.  There is still a lot of discussion about induction though.   I have such mixed feelings about this.  I will spare you all the details of why I want and yet do not want to be induced.  

I am trying to have a more positive attitude, but I must admit it has been a struggle.   I would like to get some better vibes flowing and some optimism about the future.   I am trying. 

One thing that does come easy for me is gratitude.   I have a lot to be grateful for and it's not hard for me to think of these things, and to pray and thank God for them.  I am grateful I am getting good medical care, and a good outcome for me and the babies is expected,  however it occurs.  I am grateful for the help I have with my other children right now, hard at it is to watch others have to deal with them.  I am grateful they are all healthy and well and here with me.  I am grateful for my loving and supportive husband, who is working very hard to take care of all of us.  I am grateful that I have homeschooling to take my mind off of things-- I think it helps me be not too self-absorbed and depressed.   I am grateful for all the comforts I enjoy: my comfy bed and soft pillows, as well as things like running water and indoor plumbing.  I am well-fed.  I have vitamins and supplements that, while I wish they made me feel better, I know are helping and if I wasn't taking them things would be even worse.  There is a very beautiful world outside to look at.  I am here among my family and I have people like my sisters who come over now and then to cheer me up.  And they are all so excited to meet these babies. 

We all are excited.   Babies, please please come out soon! 


Aflyonmyhomeschoolwall said...

Sending you my most comforting and hopeful wishes . . .

Bethany C. said...

Oh Birrd, I wish there was something I could do to help. This is truly a tremendous challenge and you are handling it with so much faith! I'll keep praying for you.