Friends, I did not see this one coming.
Last Friday, the Badger went in to work and was informed that the company he works for no longer has enough volume of business to continue to employ him.
The Badger will tell you he did see this coming. For months now he has only been flying once or twice a week and he has often said to me "I don't know how long they're going to keep on paying me when I do so little for them." He had even been looking at other jobs here and there over the summer, but in the end decided that he should hold off on a serious job hunt until next spring, because of the twins.
But I was sure it would work out. I didn't even take his spring job hunt plans seriously. After all, we were guided here by the hand of Providence. The children are absolutely thriving. We have been living in the biggest, nicest house we have ever lived in, which we obtained under "how'd you get so lucky?" circumstances. I have felt totally at home in this amazing, wonderful place. It just couldn't end so soon! If God brought us here, He could keep us here!
The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
After much prayer and earnest discussion, we decided over the weekend that we needed to move back to Utah. Over the next few months the Badger will be going through a process of applications, interviews, and perhaps new job training that could take him away from us at possibly very inopportune times. If we are living in Utah the children and I are right smack in the middle of a big group of family that can support us through the arrival of the twins no matter what happens with the Badger's work.
Yes, we did this five years ago. And when we left Kansas for Utah at that time it was very hard. But looking back it was exactly what needed to happen, in so many ways we could not foresee at the time.
So my first reaction was one of faith. I know we will look back on this and say, "boy, it was a good thing we did that." And things will work out. We agreed when we got married that we would let God be at the helm of our ship and while He has steered us straight at some pretty big scary waves we have always come out on top.
But then I started to think about all the deep roots I had to pull up. The children's ideal school situations and incredible teachers. Band, orchestra, ballet, football, children's choir. All our awesome friends. Our wonderful church congregation. Life in a small, out-of-the-way town with very little traffic or crime. As I tried to process the idea of leaving a place where I feel so comfortable and safe, there was an immense sense of both grief and vulnerability. 26 weeks pregnant with twins is not a time when you can easily handle these kinds of changes.
I cried all weekend. Sunday I couldn't go to church or talk to anyone on the phone because I was such an emotional mess.
But on the other hand, I have a large group of people in Utah who are saying, "YAY!!! Birrd is coming! We can't wait to do X, Y, and Z with you!" And I'm thinking of Autumn in the Utah mountains. And the holidays with food and family coming out our ears. And all those family members saying, "Yay! Cute squishy snuggly twins! Let us help you!"
And as of yesterday, I am of necessity focused on the logistics of the move. So I am moving forward with faith, allowing myself to be sad at what I am losing but not to dwell on it.
We have had a huge outpouring of support and offers for help. For starters, dinner is coming every night between now and when we leave. It has been so humbling and heart-warming. There is very little I have to do, which is good because there is very little I can do in my current condition.
At the moment I wish I could just wake up in Utah and have it all be over. But we will get there. And while right now we feel this is the right thing to do, in the end when we look back we will know it was the right thing to do. And everything will be okay, including me.